


When I Was a Part of You.

by GrangerQuickPaw



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety, Awesome Crowley (Supernatural), Bisexuality, Coming Out, Demon Dean Winchester, Demonic Possession, Gay Crowley (Supernatural), Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Memories, My First Work in This Fandom, Shapeshifting, Summer Love, Young Dean Winchester, Young Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-03-30 11:05:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13950255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrangerQuickPaw/pseuds/GrangerQuickPaw
Summary: The crushing weight of Dean Winchester's memories with Crowley are starting to give Dean homophobic anxiety. So Dean tries to deal with it himself by doing what he does best. But when drinking doesn't work,Dean finds himself having to let people in. (so to speak)





	1. Cold Nights and Northern Lights.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains NO DESTIEL. I'm just making sure you're all aware.  
> Please enjoy it anyways :D

    The cold hits Dean like a slap in the face. Sam was right. Republic,Michigan got really cold in mid-January. But it wasn't like Dean had a choice. Sam had taken the Impala out on a beer run. Dean's fault,of course. His heavy drinking was always a problem. 

But he had to leave the hotel. Over the last few weeks,they'd been teaching Cas how to hunt certain monsters. He'd been easy to teach up until he'd started asking situational questions. Dean didn't quite know how to answer those. So it had gotten awkward quickly. Cas had too many questions,and soon,Dean had found himself subtly hinting his impatience. He knows he should know better than to be subtle,as subtlety was  _not_ the angels' strong suit. Though he was sure Cas would've gotten Dean's hints,he had not. So in the end,Dean had dug around in his backpack,pulled out John's journal,and gave it to Cas to read.

Then,he went for a walk. 

 _Bad move._ Dean thinks to himself. It was 13 degrees below zero,and,boy was Dean feeling that. Pulling his coat closer to himself,he walks faster,attempting to create some kind of warmth. It isn't long before his thoughts drift to his early days of hunting. He wonders vaguely where his dad had gotten the patience to teach him to hunt. But then he remembers that John Winchester and patience were not words to be used in the same sentence.

 John teaching Dean to hunt was him usually throwing Dean into a situation with a monster,and then getting frustrated when Dean didn't know what had to be done. And how could he have known what to do? His dad didn't tell him half the time! If it wasn't that,he'd be drilling Dean-and to a slightly lesser extent,Sam-on how to survive by throwing them in the woods with no protection. No shelter,no idea on how to get back. Just a backpack full of bricks to make it feel weighted. Back then,Dean had rationalized that Dad had done that for a good reason. He had told himself that dad was right,he _didn't_ pay good enough attention to his surroundings. And if he didn't do that,how could he properly protect Sam?

But knowing what he does now,Dean knows that what his dad had done was  _wrong._ And deep down,Dean hasn't forgiven him. And he knows he never will.

Dean stops. He doesn't like to think about his dad. He doesn't like to dwell on his past. And yet,he finds himself thinking about past events more and more.

The wind has picked up slightly and Dean shivers in the falling snow. The snow was traveling south. Looking north,however,he sees nothing but a clear night. When he looks even farther up,he can see the northern lights,shifting in a beautiful blend of aqua blues and greens. He's sure that if he wasn't a hunter,he might enjoy this view. But knowing that there are actually monsters and evil things creeping around on the planet sometimes makes it hard to see the beauty in life. Knowing many people have died because of said monsters is another thing. He doesn't stop to admire the view. He simply pulls his coat tighter around himself and walks back to the hotel,where hopefully,Sam is back with beer. 


	2. Back at The Hotel.

Dean sees the Sam getting out of the Impala as he approaches the hotel. He raise a hand in greeting.

  "What are you doing out here?" Sam asks Dean,closing the door to the car,bags of food and a six pack in his hands. Dean shrugs.

  "Cas was getting on my nerves. So prepare yourself for intense questioning when you get in" Dean says,pulling the hotel's keypad out of his jacket pocket and scanning it. The door unlocks with a small click and beep. He opens the door to see Cas fast asleep on the bed,dad's journal open on his chest. Ever since Cas was a human,Dean notices he has gotten into the habit of acting less angel and more human. Cas enjoyed eating,sleeping and other human-type things. Enough to be able to pass as a normal human in a lot of situations. At least enough for Dean to notice. 

Sam's amusement is palpable. 

"Should we wake him up? He'll want to eat." Dean shrugs,a gesture that can be read as noncommittal.

"Your choice." He says to Sam,his voice a little above a whisper. Sam gently sets the bags and drinks on the table. Walking over to the bed,Sam looks down at the angel. Dean swears that he can see a small,fond smile on his brother's face. Over the years,Sam and Cas had grown closer to each other. It had started when Dean had been turned demon. Sam and Cas had attempted to find him. Cas helped as much as he could in his state of Graceless-ness. In the end,it had worked out. But it cost Dean a friendship with Crowley and it had made it awkward to hang out with Cas. Still,Dean had felt better about the whole ordeal.

When he was a demon,a small humane part of him knew what he was doing was wrong. But he couldn't stop it. Couldn't stop the near-constant killing,the horrible way he had treated any of his sexual partners...Dean knew that wasn't him. And knowing he was doing these things...and couldn't stop himself,knowing he had to,or he would be killed?

Well.

It takes a toll on his mental state.

 _Add it to the list._ Dean thinks bitterly,watching his brother gently nudge Cas awake. _Why does this shit have to happen to me?_ But Dean feels bad for thinking it.  _Would you have it happen to Sam? Or someone else? No. So suck it up._

It takes Sam a couple tries to get Cas awake. And Sam hands him a cheese burger as soon as he opens his eyes. Dean feels a bit of a double standard.

 "You never let me eat in bed. Double standard!" Dean says,mock outraged.

  "That's because you make a mess." Sam says. Cas cracks a small smile at them. Dean just shrugs it off.

If only he could do that with his anxiety.

 


	3. The Shifter of Republic,Michigan. Part One

  "Sam?" Dean's voice is halfway between a whisper and a hoarse shout. The sky is dark,the snow from yesterday night had moved on,leaving a thin sheet of powdery snow and ice. Dean carefully launches himself from the chain-link fence he had climbed to land hard on the ground,snow soaking into his pants.  _Oh,that's cold. Goddamn._ Scrambling up,he wipes his gloved hands on his leather jacket. "Sam?!" This time,he puts volume into it. He tried calling Sam,but he couldn't get ahold of him.  _Come on,Sammy. Where the hell are you?_

   Dean walks on,angel blade shoved into his pants,and sweeps his eyes left and right,hoping to go un-noticed. He pulls his pocket flashlight out and turns it on as he's done many times before. He hears a sound,distantly,a sound he can't quite identify. He pulls the blade out of his pocket,sleek and spiked. The angel blade catches the dull lught and Dean yet again finds himself cursing the celestial object. He switches off his flashlight,going into high-alert. He realizes the sound he heard was someone climbing the fence. He doesn't dare call out for his brother,knowing that doing so would be pure folly at this point. The rustling starts then,growing louder as either Sam,the shifter,a bystander or otherwise gets closer and Dean plants his feet,getting ready for a fight. When he does so,however,he hears a dull squishing sound and he knows when this whole ordeal is over,he'll have to clean the bottom of his boot.

   "Dean?" A voice calls out,cutting across the cold silence.  _Sam._ Dean doesn't know whether to trust the voice,he know they're fighting a shapeshifter,after all,he could take the appearance of anybody. The shifter had already killed and taken the bodies of thirteen people. It could very well be fourteen now. Dean hopes not. He promised his dad he'd protect Sam and every time Sam died,it ruined him. This thought is what makes Dean do what he does next. Acting completely on emotional impulse,Dean launches forward,blade raised ready to strike. A hand grabs his wrist and twist,throwing Dean to the ground. Rolling to the side,Dean lurches to his feet,the pain from bashing his head on the hard ground almost disorienting him completely. It is then that he realizes belatedly he has dropped the angel blade. _Shit._ Dean ducks to the left and grabs the hand that has just whizzed past his head.

  "Dean! Stop!"  'Sam' yells at him. Dean still has ahold of the hand,and he shoves,hard,pushing the body to the ground. Dean grabs the angel blade and plants a boot heavily on the chest of either Sam or the shifter. He pulls a silver knife out of his jacket pocket.

   "Gimmie your hand!  _NOW!"_ Dean barks. The body thrusts out an arm and Dean uses the knife to cut a deep slash in the hand. Blood comes dripping out and Dean is grateful for the lack of sizzling. Sam raises his other hand and Dean reluctantly takes his foot off and grabs Sam's offered hand. Pulling him up,Dean looks at his brother in the dull light,thankful that Sam was okay. Then the yelling started. "Why the  _hell_ didn't you answer my call?! I thought you were freakin' DEAD,Sam!" Dean says roughly,kicking at the small pile of snow at his feet. Sam's voice is calm.

  "I was tailing the shifter. Your call actually spooked him."  _Typical of Sam to have his ringer on. It's as if he hasn't done this for years._ Dean pulls out his flashlight again and slides the blades back into his pocket. Clicking on his flashlight,he brushes off Sam's excuse and makes his way over to the thing he had squished into his boot.

   Sticking to the snowy ground was the bubbled up and burned flesh that the shifter had discarded. There were a few teeth here and there; hair and blood slowly turning the snow red. Dean holds his breath. It wasn't the best smell in the world.

   "Well. Looks like we found Rachel."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. Why are all the shows I watch on hiatus? Lame. We have to wait until March 29th to watch 'Scoobynatural' and it's like...Can we get on with it please? I want to see Dean eat a Shaggy-sized sandwich. XD


	4. The First Memory.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's first memory of his time with Crowley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! It's time to write Crowley in here! I'm excited!

Dean falls asleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow that night. Dean's dreams are often his memories. Ever since the Mark of Cain was removed,Dean has felt as if the remaining fragments of his time being a demon were tugging away at his strings,desperately trying to make their music heard. Dean doesn't like these dreams,and as much as he tried to expell them,they came back in stronger force.

               *         *           *

_The bar smells like stale alcohol and broken wills. Dean knows that he shouldn't be here,but here he is. It's almost as if he's trying to get Crowley mad at him. He knew that Crowley was expecting him but it was so hard to give a damn when he was a demon. He feels a soft rush of air as Crowley appears behind him. Dean keeps drinking his whiskey paying the king of Hell no mind. He watches Crowley sit down next to him,and it is only then that Dean acknowledges the demons presence._

_"Hiya,Crowley. What brings you here on this lovely day?" His voice is a challenge,the demon he has turned into projects a confidence Dean himself lacks. Crowley makes a face of disgust._

_"Now this is a new low,even for you,Squirrel."  Crowley says to him,not taking the bait. "I do believe I requested your presence in the throne room. So you being here....You not listening to me is bad for business.  I suggest you do so from now on." Dean is surprised,though he is not sure why however,as Crowley wasn't one for yelling. Dean runs a hand through his hair._

_"Well,you not punishing me isn't good for business,either. So." Dean says,cheeky. Crowley is amused._

_"It's not going to work this time,Squirrel. You have taken advantage of me too many times. Not today."_

_"Shame. I was really hoping." Dean says,his voice dropping the challenging tone. Crowley smiles,his eyes crinkling at the corners._

_"You're drunk. I won't take advantage of you while you're drunk. I may be a demon,but I'm not Lucifer-evil." Crowley says. With that,he takes his leave._

_Dean continues drinking alone. He doesn't feel like picking up anyone tonight. He will. But his heart won't be in it. It never was anymore. He knew deep down that until he could admit what he was,he wouldn't be happy._

_And he knows deep down he will never be happy._

_*    *     *_

Dean wakes with a start,the hotel clock readout at 3:26 AM. He runs a hand over his face and looks over at Sam,asleep in the other bed. He can see the shadow of Castiel,sitting beside Sam,not sleeping,just guarding. Keeping watch over them both. It's a welcome sight,and Dean wonders if Cas will fall asleep next to Sam. The thought makes him smile. He knew about their unspoken connection,and he wanted it to work out. 

He wonders what his dad would say if Dean was in a relationship with a man. He would probably hurt Dean. That was his go-to. Dean rolls over.

 

_It's too early for me think about this shit._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Won't you stay alive?/ I'll take you on a ride./ I will make you believe/ You are lovely.


	5. A Drive Off The Coast of Lake Superior.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean goes for a drive to clear his thoughts,but an uninvited guest shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can we just with Scoobynatural? Such a funny episode.

Dean awakes to the insistent beeping of his watch. He decided to get up earlier than Sam and go for a drive. So at 7:00 A.M.,Dean is up and pulling on his boots. He finds that his midnight wonderings turn out to be true;Cas has indeed fallen asleep with his feet in the general vicinity of Sam's chest,his head turned away next to Sam's feet. It is only then that Dean realizes the height difference;Sam is almost a full head taller than Cas. They are both snoring gently and Dean is reminded of the way that Crowley snores in his sleep. He smiles gently and remembers the many times Crowley had commented on Dean's cling-y possessive way of sleeping. Dean always brings up Crowley's snoring,they'd share a luagh and go back to their quiet space in bed,waiting for the day to dawn. Dean shakes his head. He refuses to dwell in the past,if he wanted to keep his anxiety in check,he knew it was better not to think of it. So,with that,Dean grabs his keys off the table and heads out the hotel door to his car. The air outside is thin,almost clogging Dean's lungs immediately with ice. He hightails it to his Impala,hoping to turn the heat on before he freezes to death. He opens the door,the squeak of it is so loud,the maybe wonders if it woke up Sam or Cas. Getting in,he slides over and runs a hand over the soft leather of the seat before he closes the door. He turns the car on with a loud rumble,the tell-all sound of a well-built car of the 1960's. The heat turns on and he hears the gentle clicking of the Lego blocks he and Sam had shoved in the vents when they were little. He enjoys the comfort of sitting in his Baby for a minute before putting the car in reverse and backing out of the hotel parking lot.

  Once he warms up a little bit,he starts to enjoy the scenery. The sun is rising to its full potential,and he finds his spirits lifted just enough to turn on the radio. The current song playing was 'If I Close My Eyes Forever' by Ozzy Osbourn and Lita Ford,and under normal circumstances,Dean would've followed the deejay's advice of 'turning it up and ripping the knob off' but he couldn't even listen the song anymore. It reminded him too much of a relationship he'd once had. So he changes the station. And a song he doesn't recognize is playing. It has an odd beat and a sad piano melody,brought together by a man (he thinks) rapping about water and sand. He sings about being a 'crazy,suicidal head case' and Dean finds that the song perfectly fits the mood he's been in recently. He catches movement out of the corner of his eye and looks over at the passenger seat.

   "Dammit,Cas. If you're just gonna show up,at least say something." Dean says harshly,turning the music down. "What do you want?" Cas doesn't say anything for a time and they drive for a bit in silence. Dean has just forgotten about the angel,when he speaks.

    "Dean,are you okay? You're never awake this early. And recently your soul has grown darker. I fear you may be getting in too deep."

   "How is it that you know the state of my soul,exactly? Don't you have to reach your hand into my being to figure that out,or something?" Dean asks,his voice irritated.

     "I gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition. I touched your soul,Dean. I didn't want to damage it,so I left a handprint on your arm and not your soul. It is because of this I can always sense your soul. You always say you give up. But the moment you truly do,I'll know it. Your soul is more truthful than you are. When you believe you are fine,your soul projects a different emotion. Pain,fear,hatred. I can sense all of it,Dean. So tell me truthfully,because if you don't,I will know." Cas finished his speech. Dean cuts his eyes over to the angel.

    "So what you're saying is that we're,what?...Soulbound? Enough with the World of Warcraft stuff,Cas. I'm fine,okay? Leave it." Dean says,brushing him off. Dean thought it wasn't any of the angel's business how Dean felt. They were his emotions and only his. The fact that he had no choice in sharing them with someone made him very uncomfortable. Castiel sighs.

     "You're lying,Dean. I know you are. Why won't you tell the truth?" It is then that Dean is finally fed up with the conversation. 

     "Because the things I do are none of your business,Cas! Do you maybe think that for once,I'm not trying to assure you and Sam of me being fine,but maybe I'm trying to assure myself? Do you realize how hard it is for me to get through one day? How hard it already is to drag myself outta bed when I know how frickin'  _useless_ I am?! No! So you can screw off. Leave me alone. I need a break from my emotion being pointed out to me." Dean says,his voice almost at a yell. He can feel the hot tears of anger unshed in the corners of his eyes as Cas leaves him with the gentle whoosh that was his unseen wings.

    __ _Goddamit._ Wiping the tears from his eyes,he feels guilty for pushing Cas away. The only person who knew of Dean's emotional struggle. The only person who truly cared.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Dean is listening to is 'Addict With A Pen' by Twenty Øne Piløts.


	6. The Shifter of Republic,Michigan. Part 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic goes out to my lovely friends who have helped me in this rough time.  
> Rissa,for being lovely and offering your shoulder to ugly-cry on (all votes aren't in yet) you're my muse,girl-o.  
> Grace,my owl and soulmate,you are just fuckin' epic.  
> Mark,who is lovely in every single way and accepts me,even though I'm a bit broken.  
> Sam,who makes a GREAT Castiel  
> Natã,who is just the coolest Uncharted fan EVER  
> Zee,who's actually caught up.  
> Ryan,who doesn't suck XD  
> Freckles,who,oddly enough gave me a second chance,even though I'm not quite sure I'm worth it.  
> Alex,who does some really Sick as Frick Minecraft art.  
> YOU GUYS GENUINELY MAKE MY LIFE BETTER!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!  
> And to everyone else,thanks for waiting. Sorry this next chapter took so long,I was busy -_- because life gets in the way of my everything XDD

  "Sam! Watch out!" Dean yells to his brother as he dodges another blow from shifter number one. He had prepared for ONE shifter,but not three. One lay dead on the floor already after it had caught an angel blade to the throat,a swiftly delivered present from Dean. Now it was two-on-two,and Dean was having a rougher go of it than he liked to admit. 

  Sam ducks as another fist goes flying at his head. He grabs the next fist and pulls,serving the purpose of popping out the bone and slamming him against the wall. Sam jumps on him and stabs him in the gut with the silver knife he had been holding in his hand. The Shifter disintegrates onto the floor,leaving nothing but dead skin and hair. Sam rolls off to the side and roughly pulls the third Shifter from his brother,stabbing him in the back. The Shifter's hands go limp on Dean's throat and he,too disintegrates,covering Dean's pants in dead skin and hair. Dean pulls a disgusted face.

   "Dude,you couldn't pull him completely off of me first? I'm COVERED in skin now!" Sam sighs,knowing that he's not getting a simple 'thanks for saving my ass' from Dean. "At least the bastards are dead now...we can finally leave this state. Michigan is too cold." 

  Sam nods,hardly listening. Usually in situations like this,Cas would show up and kill the monsters himself. But now that Sam thought of it,he hadn't seen the angel for two whole days. As far as Sam knew,there was a lull in the world;no huge threat,calm aside from the monster attacks here and there. Sam also knew that Heaven no longer allowed Cas in. So where was he? He turns to Dean,who is looking around for his missing angel blade. 

    "Hey Dean? Have you seen Cas?" Sam asks him. Dean freezes,guilt gripping him almost immediately. He knew that Cas wasn't coming back for awhile. But he hadn't taken into consideration how his actions would affect his brother. He decides to play it off,decides not to tell Sam that it was his fault that Cas had left him. 

  "I dunno,Sam. I haven't seen him. Why?" He says,looking up at Sam,attempting to throw him off by asking why. Hoping that his prediction about Sam and Cas' relationship was correct. And it was,Dean soon finds out,as Sam looks away quickly,his face slightly red. 

   "I was...just wondering." he says quietly,brushing his bangs out of his face,another tell of his. Dean smiles to himself. He was right. Big time. Sam and Cas were becoming closer than friends,and Dean isn't sure if he should be happy or disgusted. He shrugs and picks up the angel blade from the ground. 

   "Let's go,Sammy. I don't wanna be in this state any longer. I'm missing two episodes of Game of Thrones." Dean says,putting the blade in his pocket and walking out to his car.

   "Yeah,right behind you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so very short....I'm...not sure where to go from here XDD


	7. Back To The Bunker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! Dean abuse ahead. Read at your own risk.  
> But seriously. If you are affected by low-key child abuse,you're being warned now.

    The bunker is exactly as they had left it:lore books scattered all over the tables,scrolls,old parchment,Sam's journals. Running down the circular stairs,Dean tosses his duffel bag to the side haphazardly. It wasn't often in their lives that the Winchester's had a steady home base,so of course when they had found the old Men of Letters bunker,they were elated. Dean more so,however.

  "Finally home." Dean says,his voice tired. "I think I need to go to bed." Sam sighs at that.

   "You just got back and you already want to sleep? Dean. You think maybe you should eat something?" Dean was already headed towards his room at that point,but he turned around to put Sam in his place.

   "I just drove a full 24 hours with no sleep. You slept for a majority of that time. Think I deserve this,don't you?" And with that,he turns around and heads into his room.

  He looks around,the lamp on the table had been left on,so he can see everything in a dull light. The pistols mounted on the wall,the scattered lore books on the floor,clothes discarded on the floor. The desk in the corner that held his laptop,his notebooks (emptier than Sam's,of course. Dean's notes were on his laptop.),the framed pictures; Sam and him sitting on the Impala,a picture of him and Cas sitting in a diner that Sam had taken. Dean was flipping him off and Cas looked as if he didn't understand the point of photography. Another photo of Dean and Bobby fixing Baby as Sam looked on,Jodi being the one to take that picture. Dean's makeshift family captured in framed photographs. The photographs of his mother however,he kept those in his desk drawer,along with an old Christmas card from Crowley. He didn't want to think about all of that. But of course,not thinking about that meant he had to think about other things.

  He sits gingerly on the end of his mussed-up bed,wondering why every relationship he had,he had to ruin. Why did he have to constantly question loyalty,intentions? All he'd managed to do was break apart a part of his family. He knows that he'll have to apologize to Castiel,but knowing this doesn't make any of that easier. If anything,he thinks,knowing one thing just complicated other things,and those other things were known and then-

  Well.

  It was not going to be an easy task. But he had to apologize. If not for him,then for Sam. He knew how much Sam counted on Cas and vice versa. But still,he hesitates. What could he possibly say to Cas? He'd crossed a line,even he knew it. And there was the knowing again. He felt as if he was drowning in Ozone,while simultaneously falling off a cliff backwards. He covers his eyes with the heels of his palms,flopping backwards into bed,legs dangling off at the knees. Sighing,he rubs at his eyes,tired. What could he do to make this easier? Why did he constantly put himself in these situations? He rolls over and makes his way up the bed. He puts his hands under his pillow and clutches the handle of the knife he keeps under the pillow,the carved leather cold in his warmed hands. He closes his eyes and the world falls away into blackness,and eventually,he is taken by sleep.

                          *        *       *      *

   _Dean sits on the floor,Alex sitting next to him,blond hair falling into his blue eyes,crooked smile on his face making them crinckle in the corners. He knows that his dad would be mad at him for this,but Dean doesn't care. His dad was out on a hunting trip anyway. Dean's fingers wind in between Alex's,fingers sparking as he looks into those clear blue eyes that are filled with care for him. For a time,they had focused on homework. But after Alex had tried and failed to explain prepositional phrases to Dean,they had started talking about other things. He felt his anxiety melt away slowly to a warm glow,fading out of existence entirely._

_"I think you just don't want to be smart." Alex gently teases him.  Dean waves him off,not concerned in the least by his education. Instead of an answer,Dean leans forward and kisses Alex,the world immediately falling away as he closes his eyes and his senses take over. He should not have done this,it seems,as he doesn't hear the lock on the hotel door disengage. John walks into the room,looking worse for wear,his eyes dangerous,face covered in the blood of some unknown creature. He startles Dean,who pulls back,leaving Alex and the broken reality they had previously inhabited for a harsh reality full of monsters and demons._

_"What the FUCK are you doing,Dean?!" His dad's voice is filled with disgust and rage. Dean immediately recoiles,but it wasn't fast enough. John slaps him,hard across the face,nails leaving small pricks of Dean's face. He raises his hand up to gingerly cup his now bleeding face. "You," John says,pointing at Alex. "Get the fuck out. Next time I see you,I'm killing you!" Alex scatters,almost tripping over his own feet and before he leaves,he looks once over at Dean,tears in his eyes and departs. John slams the door behind him and looks at Dean as if he's the most disgusting creature on the planet. "Up. Up now!" Dean tries to get up,but he doesn't do it fast enough. John grabs his arm and pulls him up roughly. Tears spring into Deans eyes as he feels the bone dislocate in his shoulder. He doesn't cry out because he knows that if he cries out in pain,it will only make things worse._

_"What were you THINKING,Dean? How could you DARE think that this is okay?!" John asks loudly. Dean says nothing,just looks at the ground. "ANSWER ME!" He grabs Dean's face and looks into his eyes,terrified green into wrathful brown. Dean just shrugs,and John slaps him again. "YOU DON'T DO THAT SHIT WITH BOYS,DEAN! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!"  Before he hits Dean again,the nightmare fades...._

_*        *          *         *_

 

  Dean awakes with a start,tears falling,clutching his face.

  Another day dawns....

 

 


End file.
